Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The First Time I.......

**UPDATED WITH PICTURES**

We’ve got the stomach flu making its way through our house this week...yuck!! So far, it hasn’t been a terrible, lay-you-out, can’t hold a thing down bug; but it’s been enough to where two of the kids had to stay home from school. And now I’m starting to feel bad….I can feel my stomach getting uneasy, I have a BAD headache and I can feel the fever coming on!! But you know what…it can’t keep me from blogging, especially on my Thursday post!!

I wonder if MamaKat knows how much I love Thursdays and I wonder if she knows it’s because I love Writer’s Workshop!! Again, I really wanted to try one of the harder ones, but I just could not figure out how to write a fun, cool, catchy Haiku…boo!! And who wants to read a boring, unorganized mess of one---not me, so I’m certainly not going to write one!! Maybe next week, MamaKat…don’t give up on me, yet!!

The first time I heard the words “We’re sorry, but there is nothing more we can do for her”, my.heart.just.broke. You see, she had been battling cancer on and off for 7 years. Each year bringing a newly formed tumor which she would treat with chemo and/or radiation; and each year seeing the cancer get “beat”. But in August 2004, after the latest tumor did not respond to any treatments and was aggressively growing, they said “we’re so sorry, but there is nothing more we can do for her”. This tumor laid right up against her sciatica which caused her so much pain and weakness. Because of that, she had to be on many different pain medicines; which in turn, slowly kept her from doing the things she loved!!! She fought on, she never gave up…never gave up her will to live. Her last Thanksgiving with us, she was so frail.... she had to have help to walk and couldn’t eat more than a few bites. But still, she fought on, never gave up. Her last Christmas with us we ate McDonald's cheeseburgers with her because, out of any food in the entire universe, that was the only thing she could even think of eating. And yet still, she fought on, not giving up her strong will to live. She spent her last "New Years Eve" in the hospital, with all of us around her bed, watching as she was in a morphine induced, heavy sleep. Her breathing so labored, her body twitching and at that moment I knew she couldn't fight anymore; and it wasn't fair for me to "want" her to keep fighting. On January 7, 2005 I lost my mommy, my best friend!!
You know I'd like to have asked why "there was nothing more they could do"...?? You mean with all those millions of dollars donated every year (every month I'm sure), that there is not some kind of medical breakthrough to help heal those with cancer?? Oh wait, I forgot: too many doctors, insurance companies, hospitals,pharmacies, drug companies, executives etc... make way to much money off cancer patients (and alzheimer's diabetes AIDS etc...) to ever "find a cure". I know I speak of my mom's death alot, but she was (still is) such a BIG part of my life and this is very therapeutic for me.....so, thanks for the ears!! :)

Some pictures of me and my mommy (from my childhood):

1 month old

5 Years Old

High School Graduation

22 comments:

Michelle said...

Great job on the writing assignment. So sad about your mom. :(

Brandy said...

Moms are an important part of our lives and losing one cant be easy. Im not ready to lose my mom I dont think we ever are prepared for life with out them.

I think this was wonderfully written. I think by writing about her you keep her memory alive.

Tiffany said...

I'm so sorry about your mom. Those are heartbreaking words to hear.

Sometimes Sophia said...

A beautiful tribute to your mom. It's very moving, the way you've sewn those memories together. Though sad, your story is wonderful and touching to read. Great job with the prompt.

April said...

Thanks for sharing. I can't even imagine something like that. I'm sorry she and you had to go threw that.

Emily said...

sorry to hear about your mom!! Hope your family starts feeling better!

La Pixie said...

I cant imagine what it must be like to hear those words. good for you, to tackle this through blogging.

Minxy Mimi said...

What a sad post. I am sorry for your loss. Ive just discovered you, I like it here!

Jen said...

I am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine. My mom just lost her mom, a year ago and I am watching her struggle with this. Sometimes there are just not words....

Los said...

I have a good friend who had colon cancer ... he "beat" that, but I just found out, he has to get more chemo treatments because some of his follow-up tests "weren't ideal." I'm not sure what that means, but I don't like the sound of that.

Amy McMean a.k.a McSunshine said...

What a tocuhing story. It's great to have an outlet for all those feelings. Writing helps me deal with my feelings and I also look forward to Thursday much more now that I'm doing the writing workshop.

Carrin said...

The story of your mother breaks my heart. i will listen as long as you talk!

LazyCrazyMama said...

How awful. What a beautiful piece of writing. We lost my brother in law to cancer in May of this year. He was diagnosed just the month before. We spent every weekend visiting with him and the rest of the family. It was absolutely the most painful thing I've ever been through. It is so horrible to watch someone go through that. I know why you keep writing about it. And I hope that it helps. Writing can be great therapy. But of course nothing could ever make up for such a loss.

TattooedMinivanMom said...

My ears are always here.

I'm sorry.

Liz said...

I can't imagine the pain when you hear these words.

K said...

oh hardhard words to hear. You did a terrific job of conveying the frustration and difficulty of going through that time.
Stay strong fighting the bug!!
Thanks for stopping by!
Blessings.

Elizabeth said...

very touching. i'm so sorry about your mom...my mom and i are also very close, I feel so blessed to still have her with me. thanks for sharing your story and your passion.

Diane said...

I'm so sorry. But I'm glad you got to spend the holidays with her. I lost my dad not long after Thanksgiving. I didn't got home at Thanksgiving (terrible morning sickness) and I thought I'd see him at Christmas. I didn't. It remains one of my biggest regrets.

This was a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing :)

avtcoach said...

You have an award waiting for you at my place!

Caren said...

Beautiful. I couldn't really even read it all toward the end because I know all too well how you feel. I lost my mom on December 3rd last year to a GBM brain tumor. She was diagnosed in September and died that quickly, so I'm sure it was a much different situation from what you all went through.

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's hard, isn't it? Thanks for sharing with us.

Mama Kat said...

Oh. My heart breaks for you. I'm close with my Mom too and it doesn't seem like there will ever be a "good" time for her to go. I will always need her. I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye. :(

Sam_I_am said...

I remember that morphine induced sleep with my grandma. We found out she had cancer right before my birthday on October 4 and we lost her November 30, 2001. I live in her home where she passed and sometimes, I can still feel her here. When I go to the basement and I can smell the coal furnace (Which she had, but now it's oil). Your mom is still watching too. :-)